Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize