my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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