i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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