he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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