I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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