Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
