He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
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