I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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