I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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