fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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