She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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