We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
