Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
