I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize
