Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
