I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Terrible idea I love it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
