I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
