I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize