i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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