I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
