i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
