all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
