I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
