I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
