You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
