Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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