My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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