so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
