he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
