If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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