the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
