I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
