she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
