Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize