Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
