Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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