is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize