Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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