I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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