Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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