I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My bed smells like the plague
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
