Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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