Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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