I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
