Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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