When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
