woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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