The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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