I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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