There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I didn't notice because vodka
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
