The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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