btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize