My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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