my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
