ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
