why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
two words: eviction party
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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