The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
