he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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