Buhtt sex?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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