you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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