well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
nutella sex= disaster
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
