I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
