***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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