I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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