I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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