You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize