new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
