She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
