she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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