I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
