I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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