I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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