i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
