so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
