sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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